From Darkness to Light

From Darkness to Light

Acrylic Photo by Trizzy

The most amazing creature ever created was between my hands in 1998. A bundle of joy took control of that moment.  Sadness and happiness interwind with each other from time to time and I did not know what to do with them. Two years later, I fell disconnected completely from that moment. It was like a box had opened and all these emotions, (sadness, anxiety, burnout) came to the surface and I had no control over them. Post-partum depression crept in and never took care of it. 

I entered another dark season of depression that almost cost me my life in 2002. Oh, how much my life changed after a suicide attempt. Nothing could pull me out of this dark place. I was never the same again. There were no happy moments. The only reason keeping me alive was my two children.  Depression set in like a guest without invitation and, my marriage and my children suffered tremendously because of it. 

My depression started getting worse after I sinned against my God. My marriage covenant was broken and I allowed bitterness to take control. Out of revenge and feeling betrayed, I wanted to pay pain for pain. I let my emotions take control of my reason. I gave the enemy an open door to come and do whatever he wanted to do not only with me but with my family. 

I made love with the thought of dying every day.  After a suicide attempt, my mental health started deteriorating. The only place that saved me from doing it again was a mental health facility. Funny, you never know your brain is sick until to get to a place like that. A million diagnoses were dropped on me while I was admitted there. Unable to keep a job, I took medication for a while to cope with the illness. Nothing wrong with that. Only the fact that I was medicating the symptoms but I was not coping with the issue of my sin and my unrepentance and then, I was found mentally disabled by the State. 

The Bible says: "The wages of sin is death",  Rom 6:23. When I sinned against God, the spirit of death set in. I started hearing voices telling me to attempt against my life.  Feelings of shame would tell me that I was a bad mother, wife, daughter, a Christian, and I deserved to die. I kept fighting voices in my mind that invited me to hell with them. Sin can and will bring death and, I kept it all in and stayed quiet for fear of judgment from others in the faith. 

For a long time, I believed those voices. I feed them and cuddle them. I desired to finish it all. Oh, but God. He had other plans. The Bible also says in John 3:21 that "whoever lives by the truth comes to the light." The search for the truth was brutal. Day by day. Night by night, I searched for it.  I knew my life depended on it. Not an easy task to do when your mind is not in the right place with God. The more I seek, the more the voices would torment me. My mind was too fragile for me to fight this battle alone. One day while in worship, I found healing in the truth that "if Jesus sets me free, I will be free indeed."  It was there in submission to the one and only God that I believed and prayed with all of my heart for Jesus to take away this burden and I was set free.  

The gospel of John was and has been a beacon of light in my darkest moments. In it, I read that "whoever believes in Jesus shall not perish but have everlasting life". John 3:16 I have heard these words before but only now I  believed it in my heart that Jesus has forgotten all of my sins and gave me a new life. He made me a new creature and because of him, I am experiencing freedom right now. 2 Corinthians 5:17 Through Jesus I can have freedom, healing, and eternal life. He is the bread of life and I will never go hungry. John 6:35 

As you face many troubles, no matter how big those troubles are just remember that Jesus is bigger and greater.Lets practice truth and do what is right, (morally, ethically. spiritually) then his works may be plainly shown to be what they are, accomplished in God. John 3:21 I found freedom by coming to His light and practicing the truth. By being transparent with those who held me accountable. I decided to place my faith and hope in Jesus. Only then, I was able to see a brighter future in Him.